A.K., Pakistan
Pakistanis don’t accept anyone from the LGBTQ community. If someone identifies that way, they will get shot. In Pakistan, LGBTQ communities exist but only in the bigger cities and they’re very underground. I never connected with them because I was very afraid for my safety. I was worried that if my family ever found out, or someone found out that I was gay, I would be in danger.
I started to realize I was gay when I was 13. Everyone remembers their first crush, and I remember mine: it was a boy whose personality I was really attracted to. We became good friends and when we were in private, we would flirt together but whenever we were in public he would deny it. Even though he’s never told me, I’m sure that he’s bi-sexual. I kept hiding my sexuality and when I was 17 I went to medical school in Russia to become a gynaecologist and that’s where I soon met my first boyfriend who was also from Pakistan. We lived together in our own apartment and even though I felt freer than I did in Pakistan, we still had to hide our relationship. Russians aren’t friendly toward the LGBTQ community and there was a large Pakistani community there too.
After five years in Russia, we both graduated and had to move back to Pakistan where we would eventually start our practices. Even though we were together for five years and even though we were both from Pakistan, my boyfriend broke up with me and told me that I should forget about him because there was no way we could be together as a gay couple in Pakistan. I was devastated.When I came back to Pakistan I lived with my parents and siblings and started my career as a doctor in a hospital. This whole time my parents kept pressuring me to get married because it’s what people do in our culture at this age but I kept resisting. My family also noticed that I was always talking to boys and started to question why I was never with women but I was afraid to disclose to them that I was gay because I knew they would kill me. After so much pressure and after hearing so many rumours, I admitted I was gay and they beat and harmed me so badly. It was so hard. To cope, I started taking antidepressants and even tried to kill myself once.
While this was all happening, my mother was very sick and my father needed money so he asked me to support her. I was doing very well professionally and was regarded in my community as one of the top gynaecologists. Two days after writing him a few blank cheques, my dad threw me out of the house and my family disowned me. I knew that I had no place as an LGBTQ person in Pakistan and I knew it wouldn’t be safe for me so I decided to travel to the US because I had a visa in my passport. I left Pakistan, spent a few weeks in the US, and eventually came to Canada as a refugee claimant where I knew it would be safer for me.
Since coming here, I’ve had to start over. It’s been hard finding a job, and I work at a Tim Hortons. I’m still taking antidepressants to cope with my pain. I’ve been here now for one year and even though my family doesn’t communicate with me at all, I miss them dearly. My refugee hearing is coming up and after it’s done, I hope to get a good result. I want to get better and get back into the medical field one day.
2020 Update:
I no longer work at Tim Hortons and since then I worked a five-month contract as a Men’s Health Coordinator at the Alliance for South Asian AIDS Prevention. At the moment I’m unemployed and looking for work. It’s been two years and I’m still waiting for my hearing date. In December 2019, my mom passed away and last month in May 2020, I lost my father as well. Both times, I called my family so I could try and visit my parents, but they wouldn’t allow me. I feel like I’ve lost everything and without my family, I feel like I lost my backbone. My family was my backbone. I feel alone in the world. I still take antidepressants so I can cope with my pain and sleep at night. I need your prayers. Prayers that my parents are in heaven and prayers that I’ll be okay.
PhotoGRAPHED by
Archie likes to play around with angles and depth to take pictures of her everyday life whether it be landscapes or portraits. Apart from photography, she’s an engineer by trade and loves to cook and travel.