M.A., Pakistan

Growing up, I knew I was interested in both women and men but always felt like there was something wrong with me. This came from my upbringing in Pakistan but also from the culture where there is a lot of homophobia and bullying. I knew I always had to be quiet about my feelings.When I was 19, I moved to Dubai and had much more privacy. I could do a lot of things without people knowing. Through my uncle, I met a man who lived in the same compound as me and we became good friends. Over time, our relationship became sexual. Even in Dubai, a relationship like this was very dangerous so we had to be careful. We had to watch what we said, how we acted in front of others, and how we even texted one another. 

In 2014, I met a woman who would later become my wife in Dubai. Together, we had a son. At the time, I hid from her that I was also attracted to men but in 2016 I decided to tell her that I was bi-sexual. She lost it. My wife stopped having sex with me, and called me a pervert but we continued to live together only because of our son until March 2018. That year, she decided to move back to her homeland with our son and I was told by her that I would eventually move there with them. I helped them move and when I returned to Dubai, on my first Skype call with my wife she told me that she didn’t want to be with me anymore. I was shocked because with my son taken away, I felt like I lost my life. 

I decided to visit her and hoped to have a reasonable discussion about my visitation rights with my son but when I arrived, I was instructed by her lawyer to not contact her again. My wife decided to file for divorce and for full custody of our child, and that I also couldn’t have any personal contact with him. This devastated me even more. To make matters worse, my family was aware of our troubles but still did not know that I was bi-sexual. 

At the same time, my father was ill and the situation of my marriage caused him much stress. I was also nervous that my wife would go to the extent of telling my parents about my sexuality so I decided to go to Pakistan and open up to my mom and dad. I knew they would be upset but their reaction was completely unexpected. In front of my whole family, my dad angrily announced my sexuality which further traumatized all of us. My whole family stopped having any sort of relationship with me afterward. Thankfully, I had a brother who lived in Canada and he told me to leave Pakistan and come stay with him. He was the only person in my family that was okay with me. He continues to support me today. I came to Canada in May of 2018 and applied for my refugee status. My hearing was in November 2018 and I was rejected on the grounds that they didn’t feel like I was telling the truth. That hearing felt more like an interrogation and very much traumatized me. For a country that is so open and inclusive of the LGBTQ community, I feel like the Canadian legal process has failed me so far. Throughout this whole situation I have lost my family, my wife, my son, my career and my sanity. I have trouble sleeping and have constant fear. I’m currently going through my appeal process and hope that good news will come.


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PhotoGRAPHED by

Lorenzo Colocado 

Lorenzo is from the Jane and Weston area of Toronto and has been a freelance photographer for the past two years. He is passionate about basketball and dreams of signing a one day, all-inclusive contract to photograph an NBA game.

MENTOR

Graeme Roy