Not Made in China

Content warning: violence, death, and fetishization

The following is an obligatory post about AAPI hate from a Canadian-born-Chinese (CBC).

These past two years have been scary, especially coming from someone with a very stereotypical Asian family. My grandparents had come to Canada to help take care of me and my siblings and, growing up, I was always aware that they were more vulnerable, especially since they were not able to learn English as easily. To my misfortune, the “wise and knowing” Internet had known to show me articles of elderly Asian people being attacked and robbed throughout my life. News articles of fetishism of Asian women had been read by young me before I hit puberty.

Stereotypes and genuinely innocent curiosity have plagued my entire life. For example, what does being vegan have to do with eating dogs? It means it must be impossible since I’m Asian. I’m not quite sure if the thing I’m doing is a Chinese thing; what do Chinese people even do as a whole? My quiet demeanor isn’t due to my culture; in fact, the joke within the Asian community is quite the opposite. And please don’t ask me where I come from, I have very little to say about Ottawa (though saying it’s the capital of Canada may be a surprise to some). Deep in my brain is a script of where each of my siblings and I were born, to explain why I wasn’t born in China.

While these may seem benign, I’ve felt alienated my entire life. Little things like feeling weird when speaking Mandarin in public and when walking with my Chinese friend group in public make me hyper-aware of the fact that I’m seen as foreign. But living in China isn’t an option either. I understand how to talk to Canadians, I understand Canadian culture-I’m Canadian through-and-through. Going to China is like a vacation to me, I would barely scrape by with the little Chinese I know and perhaps would feel better seeing a sea of faces that look like me—though I would still stand out with my height.

But that’s it, right? Just a couple of annoying questions that I can just smile through or edgy jokes that are funny but, apparently, I’m too sensitive? I guess I’m not in on the punchline.

It’s always been more than that, it’s always been more serious than that, and it’s always affected us, whether we realize it or not. The little bits of “casual” racism that stick out stem from a rotten core, sticking onto the individuals of marginalized groups as we’re told we’re being too sensitive or that their statement wasn’t racist at all.

With that being said, we do understand genuinely wholesome intentions. My mother had always been flattered to hear “ni hao” said to her, as she had to assimilate into Canadian culture. But for my siblings and I, it led to feelings of alienation. I feel lucky being Chinese, as those who are Korean, Japanese, or anyone that fits my description would have to deal with people assuming their race. While it seems like I’m extremely oversensitive, let’s paint a larger picture of what “truly” affects my community (from my view, as I am not representative of all Asians or all Chinese people of course).

Racism against Asians is generally expressed through stereotypes or cultural appropriation. Benign seeming discrimination overall. But do verbal attacks, assault, fetishization, lack of meaningful representation, and a history of segregation fall under those two categories?

Marginalized communities are no strangers to verbal attacks. It’s easy for strangers to fling them, and they hit harder than the blanket “idiot”. So sticks and stones, right? 

Fetishization has always been hard to explain, as those who have not experienced it may see it as flattering-who doesn’t want to be attractive to others? The expectation that I am a submissive, soft-spoken person due to my race is not a compliment. Especially considering that the history of said belief could be attributed to the history of Japanese war brides, in which after being married to American men, they were abused in the country they immigrated to. The small “child-like” body (minus my height!) I have due to my genetics is not flattering—in some cases it may border on being concerning. Being attracted to my race isn’t equal to being respectful and understanding.

On the other hand, Asian men can be mocked when dating outside their race, particularly if the woman they’re dating is, by societal standards, very attractive. Especially considering how Asian men are feminized (yes, Jimin is pretty and mochi, but is Jackson Wang as well?).

Regardless, I’d need a lot more time to delve into “yellow fever”—yes we are attractive (thank you, thank you). Being attracted to people of my race doesn’t magically turn insensitive comments into complimentary ones.

As a whole, we have adjusted many aspects of our culture to “be” Canadian. We changed our names, we adopted the celebrations of this country, we kept our mouths shut at ignorant remarks to keep fights to a minimum (we didn’t start the fire, after all).

My parents and grandparents are the only people in my life that pronounce my name properly. I adjusted the pronunciation after years of being teased for it. But it’s the small steps, I can now tell people how to properly say Téng (it’s not the same as Tang—pinyin is dumb).

I incorporate my culture into my life because while I’m scared of my grandparents being assaulted in any capacity, or my father being teased for his accent and not so perfect conversational English, I fear becoming ashamed of my culture again. My name is significant, it is who I am and I am not colourless. My behaviour and view on life are generally irrespective of my race.

While I’m worth the shipping, I was not made in China.